caseystratton (caseystratton) wrote,
caseystratton
caseystratton

Letter to Henry, June and Charlie – December 25, 2012

Originally published at The Casey Stratton Blog. You can comment here or there.

TO: Henry, June and Charlie

℅ The Universe

ATTN: The Moon

Dear Loves,

It’s Christmas 2012. Hen, you’ve been gone for one year, five and a half months. Charlie, you’ve been gone for nearly seven months. June, you have been gone for nearly three months. Gone from me, anyway. You are never gone. But I miss you being here every day. So much has changed, but I know you are aware of that.

Everything is different. So much was going on. I tried really hard to hit the marks and be joyful through the holiday season. If I’m honest, now that Christmas is coming to a close I am realizing that I pushed aside some of what I was feeling so I wouldn’t buckle under the weight of it. It’s ok to be sad for you. It’s ok to be sad for me. There has been so much sadness, for so many I know and love. I don’t know what this time means but I hope everyone will be stronger for it. I know I am.

I could never have imagined that I would be writing this to all three of you. It all felt like my worst nightmare, but I did what I had to do. What my commitment to you meant doing. I could not let you suffer when it was your time. My family felt demolished. The kittens have helped Wendy and I get through it. She doesn’t love them yet but I know it is better than her being alone.

I guess this is part of getting older. Animal companions don’t stay forever. I could never quite grasp that until the realities set in. I think of you all each and every day, multiple times. Some people don’t understand but I don’t care. I do and many other people do. I have lived all of this in a very public way, but it has been a great blessing to have done so. So many people have lent their energies to it. To you, to me, to the universe. I know you are all safe and I don’t ever feel we are not still connected.

I would still give anything to have you back for even a moment. Dreams sometimes let me touch you again. I am grateful for those.

I have moved forward with my life and so many things have happened. I have experienced successes and failures. Travel, ups and downs, the grief and troubles of others I care about. It has sometimes felt like there is just too much to handle. But survive we must.

You were all three so very special to me for your own reasons. So unique. Our bonds are strong. There will always be a piece of me missing as long as you are out there in the ethers. We will be reunited one day. I just need you to know, always, that I love you more than anything and more than I could have known I was capable of. I will keep blowing you kisses when I see the moon, for the rest of my life. It is a little way of connecting. Thank you for being a part of my life. Our souls will never part.

I love you and miss you so much,

Daddy

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